Glenn and Wendy Stark of Harbor Springs enjoy taking the opportunity to talk about all of their children, their two surviving siblings, Taylor and Shelby, and Kyle, who at 4 1/2 months died of SIDS, and Riley, who passed away at age 6 in 2001 from a neurological disorder.

Wendy Stark cradled 4-month old Kyle as he slept soundly in her arms late into the evening. Through the wall, she heard the calls of her daughter, Riley.
Riley, who was partially disabled by a neurological condition, needed her mom’s help.
Wendy gently laid Kyle in the bed and went to Riley’s room.
About 15 minutes later when she returned to the master bedroom, Kyle was dead.
“She started screaming, and he was on the ground and we were trying to give him CPR,” recalled dad Glenn.
The fire and rescue trucks arrived around midnight and couldn’t revive Kyle at the house or at the hospital.
“They let us hold him for a few hours at the hospital,” said Wendy. “They said, ‘There was nothing that you could’ve done.’”
 

SIDS heartbreak

After an autopsy on Kyle’s body, the medical examiner ruled the cause of death to be Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. No other signs of a medical condition or injury were discovered.
“The only symptom of SIDS is death,” Glenn said.
Now living in Harbor Springs, the couple lost Kyle while living in Colorado. After the death of their daughter Riley less than a year later, the Starks moved with their other two children to Northern Michigan in part to escape the sad memories from their previous home.
Kyle was the youngest of the Starks’ four children, who include surviving siblings, son Taylor, 14, and daughter, Shelby Jade, 11. Riley was their second born, who was 6 when she died in 2001. Kyle was the youngest of the family, born in 2000, and he died that June.
The family had no history of SIDS or any indication that Kyle, an otherwise happy, healthy baby, would have such a short life. The day he died, Wendy remembers him staring at her while she made dinner and the two sharing an indescribable connection. “I felt we had a secret. I had this incredible bond with him,” she said.
Because it was the last day of school, the Starks let son Taylor stay up late to watch a movie with Glenn, and the boy witnessed the chaos and revival efforts on his baby brother. The family has all undergone counseling to help cope.
For many months, Wendy said she struggled with feelings of guilt surrounding Kyle’s unexplained death and both she and Glenn have had innumerable “what if” moments. They’ve replayed the night over and over, wondering how it could happen to them, nonsmokers, no medical issues, no warning.
“That’s the most challenging thing about SIDS, there’s no link to anything,” said Glenn, fitness director and master trainer at Bay Tennis and Fitness in Harbor Springs.
The two did recall a couple of occasions when it was very difficult to rouse Kyle from a sleep – to the point of panic one time, Wendy said -- and wondered in hindsight if that was an undetected contributing factor.
Ultimately, they put an end to the “what ifs.”
“The end result,” Wendy said, “is the same.”
 

SIDS research

Very little is known for certain about the possible causes of SIDS in the medical community, and there is no proven method for prevention although numerous recommendations have surfaced through the years from reputable health sources (see sidebar).
The No. 1 recommendation for parents remains the Back-to-Sleep campaign. Medical experts implore parents to put their children to sleep on their backs, noting that infants, who have little or no control of their heads may, while face down, inhale their exhaled breath, which is high in carbon dioxide, and smother themselves.
Beyond that, there remains little understanding of the biological cause or causes of SIDS. According to a study published in October 2007 in the Journal of the American Medical Association, babies who die of SIDS have abnormalities in the part of the brain called the medulla oblongata which helps control functions like breathing, blood pressure and arousal.
The deficiency seems to affect how the child is able to use and recycle serotonin, the body chemical that regulates mood and vital body functions.
In a May 2008 British study, researchers discovered that the common bacterial infections staph and E. coli appear to be the cause of some other cases of SIDS as well.
SIDS is responsible for roughly 1 death per 2,000 births in the U.S., and is a tragedy beyond explanation for the families who endure it, like the Starks.
A SIDS support group in Colorado helped Wendy cope by talking about Kyle, and Glenn attended with her to support his wife, though he says he didn’t get as much out of it. One of the hardest things about moving to this area is the lack of SIDS support groups, Wendy noted, and other opportunities to talk about their grief of losing two children.
The Starks’ daughter, Riley, was 2 years old when she fell off the bed and broke her collarbone. What wasn’t noticed, or diagnosed, at the time was a twisted vertebra that was slowly cutting off the supply of fluid to her cerebellum. As she became increasingly unsteady on her feet, the doctors discovered the injury and told the Starks she’d only have a few months to live, and there was nothing they could do.
Riley eventually lived for 4 ? more years, as her parents pursued any and all treatment possibilities, before succumbing to the neurological condition in May 2001, 11 months after Kyle died.
Before she died, the Make A Wish Foundation made her dream of going to Disney World and meeting Barney a reality. Now, her dad runs in marathons to raise money for SIDS research and the Make A Wish Foundation, with the next coming up in the fall in Detroit (email him at gwstark@charter.net or call 881-2681 to contribute).
Both Wendy and Glenn find comfort in talking about their children and hearing others’ memories of them as well. And with a strong faith, they both have been able to keep on keeping on, for their own sake and that of their two children.
“We believe in resurrection, and that’s the one thing we hold onto,” Wendy said. “We will see our babies again.”
 

What to say to grieving parents

The Starks said they understand most people are well-meaning and try to offer comfort, but inadvertently say things that can hurt parents more than intended. Glenn recalled someone telling him that “God needed more little angels in Heaven,” which didn’t sit well. Wendy said when others avoid talking about her deceased children it can be hurtful, because she cherishes the chance to talk about them.
The couple provided some helpful information from SIDS support literature that can help family and friends know how to sensitively approach grieving parents.

It suggests:

— Be available. Make meals. Clean the house, Run errands. Care for the other children.
— Express your genuine feelings and sorrow at their loss.
— Let them express their feelings and grief as they see fit.
— Encourage them to be patient with themselves.
— Allow them to talk about the lost child as much as they wish, and you talk about the endearing qualities of the child.
— Give special attention to the child’s brothers and sisters for whatever length of time is necessary.
— Relieve them of guilt feelings. Reassure them that they did all they could. Highlight the positives of the care they gave their child.

What to avoid:

— Don’t avoid the family because you are uncomfortable. Even just a sympathetic hug is better than avoidance.
— Don’t say you know how they feel unless you have lost a child, too.
— Don’t be judgmental or tell them what they should feel or do.
— Don’t become silent when they mention their dead child. Don’t be afraid to mention the child, they want to hear good things about him or her.
— Don’t draw sham conclusions or lessons to be learned from the loss of a child. There is no silver lining to this cloud in their grief.
— Don’t remind them that at least they have other children or can have more. No other child is a substitute or replacement.
— Don’t add to their guilt feelings by looking for faults in the home or hospital care.
— Don’t use religious platitudes that put the blame on God. Express your genuine feelings and sorrow at their loss.